We drove down to Makena, which is at the southwestern part
of the island. The drive was gorgeous
(big surprise!) with the spectacular ocean views. You could just tell you were entering the
very wealthy section of Maui because everything was just nicer…the landscaping,
the strip malls, the houses, and then came the resorts. Yes, where we stayed was nice, but it’s kind
of like, look in the direction of the resorts and it looks good, but look the
other way where the locals live, and it’s not so nice. A lot of the shopping areas need a
facelift. The landscaping isn’t
impeccable throughout. But here as we
approached Wailea, it wreaked of money! Then
I remembered Jon & Kate Plus 8 (sorry, I love that show) stayed at the
Grand Wailea to renew their vows. At the
time I saw that episode, I quickly jumped on the internet to find out why I
hadn’t discovered this place in my research and to see if we wanted to stay
there. Uh, yeah, ok, it costs like
$7,000 a night. That’s why. You know they didn’t pay a dime. Note to self:
Have two sets of multiples, get own TV show, go to exotic places for
free. Maybe not.
Anyone who knows me knows I always pack a lot of stuff when
I’m going to be away all day, including food and water. I just didn’t feel like it; I figured we
would just get lunch when we got there.
Big mistake. Little did I know
that Shannan ate lunch before we left. I
had breakfast early in the day and really didn’t give it much thought (so
unlike me). After we passed the big
expensive resorts, we came upon the parking lot to Oneloa Beach, aka Big Beach,
a long white-sand beach, and I realized I was in trouble. There was no food, no bathrooms, except for a
Port-a-John, pretty much no civilization.
Oh, well, I guess if I get hungry, Shannan will have to trek back to the
food truck 2 miles back on the side of the road. She didn’t like that idea too much. Is it too much to ask on Valentine’s Day that
you go gather some nuts for me on a deserted island? After a short disagreement about our
respective hunter/gatherer roles, we were immediately distracted by the
insanely incredible beach we were about to enter. Wow!
This has got to be the most beautiful beach I have ever seen in my
entire life! It was moderately crowded,
empty compared to Jersey beaches, a lot of people for Maui.
We had a great time swimming and people watching. We decided to venture over the remnants of a volcano
lava rock mountain (small one; don’t get crazy) to see Little Beach, which is
known to be a gay beach and attracts nudists (not necessarily gay
nudists). It seemed from afar as though
people were climbing stairs up the lava rock and going up and over. But when we got there, I was not thrilled to
see there were no steps, just rock.
Maybe I can swim over? Ok, ok,
I’ll give it a try. Shannan had to hold
my hand and guide me where to step. It
wasn’t easy, especially in flip-flops, but the locals were walking up and down
it as though they were walking on flat land, which didn’t make me feel any
better. I did it though, and I’m sure
there was a fair bit of whining along the way.
As we approached Little Beach, however, I noticed there was no real way
down off the rocks. Shannan (and
everyone else and their mother) managed just fine, but I paced back and forth
looking for a good spot to make my way down.
There really wasn’t one…except out towards the water; I could see a
perfect step down. The only problem was
there was a nude local woman sprawled out on a beach towel right where I needed
to step. Oh, well, life’s a bitch,
right? So I made my way over, muttered
some apology in advance, something about “I’m not in Jersey anymore,” as
Shannan grabbed my hand to help me down.
First, though, I kicked sand in her Tecate beer cans, again apologizing
profusely. Good thing they were
empty. I didn’t even notice her large
breasts during this whole thing. Well,
maybe I peeked a little.
While we’re on the subject, I don’t much like nude
beaches. It’s so damned
distracting. Everybody’s nude! Nudity is a strange thing. It’s like a car wreck on the highway. You want to get where you’re going, but you
want to see what happened. When you
look, sometimes, you see something you don’t want to see, like blood and
guts. You wish you hadn’t looked, but on
the other hand, you want to know what blood and guts looks like, other than on
TV. I know what nude people look
like. I’ve seen plenty of nude people
throughout my lifetime. But nudists tend
not to be the kind of people we are accustomed to seeing, like in movies. I am completely amazed at the confidence
exuding from the dozens of men strutting around with nothing more than a baby
bird hanging from their…well, you get the picture.
You can tell who the tourists are too. They’re the ones with serious tan lines and
whiter-than-white private areas and ridiculous hats on. The real nudists are all one color and aren’t
screaming, “Look at me! I’m nude!” They’re just chillin’. But…you know what they say…when in Rome…no,
we didn’t, not quite, but we did pull our bathing suit tops down when we were
swimming in the water. It does feel good
to go au naturale in the water. That was
as far as we were going to take it. We
didn’t stay long, because, as I said, I found it all so distracting, and I
don’t think people appreciated the “deer in the headlights” stare on my
face. Time to go.
That night we went into Lahaina. We ate at the Cheeseburger in Paradise, a fun
burger joint opened by a couple of lesbians, who expanded to three other
locations in Hawaii, one in Vegas, and one in Key West, which me and Santina
went to last year. They had a guy and a
guitar singing, which was fun. The food
was good too. We shopped a little and
stood in awe of the famous Banyan Tree, which is the largest in Hawaii. I couldn’t take a picture of it because it’s
just too big, but it is one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. It is 50 feet tall and has 12 major trunks
that jet out in every direction horizontally and then at a 90-degree angle back
into the ground. Way cool.
More to come…
J.Bo.
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